Reliability in Hell
by avec-espoir
Summary: 'My entire world stopped turning.' - Spoilers for 4x07


_So, this is my first published piece on this account, just a short oneshot to start me off again. Major spoilers for Cops and Robbers, oh and it's a bit angsty. Let me know what you think, constructive criticism welcomed :)_

_Jess_

_Disclaimer: Yeah, I'd love to meet AWM, never mind be him. _

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><p>I let the phone I previously held to my ear clatter to the floor of the van. The explosion shook everything around me, and I briefly heard everyone in the proximity go silent, with no more directions or orders being yelled. At the sound of the bomb, my entire world stopped turning. I'd promised everyone that I would get you all out of there. I promised your mother. I promised your daughter. I promised your fans. I promised me. I promised you. I promised.<p>

I never truly understood how you felt, watching me die three times in the past. First when my apartment exploded, then the freezer, and more recently, the shooting. I'm a cop, it's my job, and I always knew there was a chance that I wouldn't come home one day. I repeated the mantra over and over, but you never understood. I couldn't expect you to understand, could I? I mean, you're not a cop, you're not actually in the force, you just follow us around – follow _me _around. Pretending.

I should have stood up to the Captain three years ago, should have stood up to the Mayor, argued that I couldn't have you following me around. It wasn't safe for any of us, constantly having to watch out for the unarmed writer tagging along, as well as each other.

You were completely unreliable, would never listen to instructions I gave you, had no thought or care for your own safety, and the whole scenario just seemed like a bit of fun, a bit of 'research.' Yet, somewhere along the line, you changed. You continued to come into the precinct every day, even when you didn't need to. You suddenly just _knew_ how to react in certain situations, what to do. And then somehow, you were a part of the team…you were my partner.

After a second, I can hear he commotion outside start up again, can hear the onlooker's frightened cries, can almost feel any hope once there drift away. I feel sick, lost, cold, empty, like a part of me had been torn away, ripped to shreds, never to be seen again. Seen again…oh god, _I was never going to see you again_. I'd never get the chance to tell you that I remembered everything from the funeral, never get the chance to tell you how much you mean to me, never get the chance to tell you that you make all the songs make sense, never get the chance to tell you that you were my one and done. I'd never get the chance to tell you how much I loved you. How much I loved you _too_.

I walked slowly, hesitantly, to the door of the van, bracing myself to open it, though still not entirely sure I was prepared enough to see the destruction I knew would be there before me. I steadied myself against the side of the van and I stepped out and turned to look at the burning building. There was no way anyone would get out of there alive. No way in hell.

That was what this is though, isn't it? Hell. Some god-awful thing intent on screwing everything up, and destroying, and killing, and ruining chances, and lives, and families, and taking away anything good there ever was, and –

Someone is screaming. That's what hell would sound like, I'm sure. The same as the piercing, blood-curdling screams that were coming from Alexis this very second. Oh god, _Alexis._ What have I done? You'll never see her again, never get the chance to see her grow up, never walk her down the aisle, never become a grandparent, whilst all the time complaining that you were losing her, and that you wanted her to stay you little girl forever. I've ruined that. It's my fault. God, I've ruined a family, ripped it apart… I've let you down. I'm so sorry, Rick.

Alexis is being held back to two cops I don't recognise. Or do I? I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore, other than the fact that you're gone, and nothing I can say, or do, will ever going to bring you back.


End file.
